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Don't Mention Joe

Posted by furthernews Posted on: 10/26/08

Don't Mention Joe

Everybody, make sure not to say Joe Wurzelbacher. Damn, I said Joe Wurzelbacher. Oh no, I said it again!

"Joe the Plumber" is the average American that McCain mentioned in the last debate, a hardworking Ohioan man that faces typical American concerns like:

1. Getting rid of the reporters camped on his lawn
2. Finding plumbing work when his lack of plumbing license is national news
3. Deciding whether to sell out on a book deal or remain quiet in hopes of regaining anonymity someday

Wurzelbacher was thrust into this unfortunate mess by the convergence of being both a plumber and a Joe (even though his name is actually Sam). If he was a software engineer named Cesar with the same question on tax policy I guarantee you'd never have heard of him.

No, Mr. Wurzelbacher wasn't lucky enough to have some less American-sounding name or profession and was forcibly turned into the Joe Mark 2. You remember the earlier model, Joe Sixpack. Joe Mark 1 had useful features like being a Joe and enjoying beer (a popular beverage), but suffered from design flaws like not being a real person. For weeks the media has tried to question Joe Sixpack only to be thwarted by his lack of existence. Now they have a brand new upgraded Joe and are testing out all the features. Answers questions! Has a home address and physical body! Is a plumber! Photographable!

All the questions and scrutiny Sixpack evaded for weeks are being piled onto Wurzelbacher. McCain turned him into the average American and Obama only reinforced that by talking directly to him. The average American! Throw out CNN's panels of undecided voters holding silly little "turn the knob for things you like or don't like" doohickeys, they are no longer needed. One man is now the avatar of America, the psychosociocultural representative whose every pronunciation is the zeitgeist.

The problem is that Joe the Plumber isn't the average American, he's Joe Wurzelbacher. Both parties are now fighting for Joe as if he were Iwo Jima, a tactically situated island to launch attacks from. McCain's supporters are trying to prove that Obama would raise Joe's taxes. Obama's supporters are trying to prove he'd lower them (and it seems like he would). Reporters are trying to get his average man opinion. But no man is an island - he can't be conquered or settled and I do not advise constructing buildings on him or planting crops.

Tilling would be disastrous.

The problem with using Joe the Plumber in an argument, for either candidate, is that he's not Joe Sixpack. His income isn't generic, it's specific. His profession isn't universal, he's a plumber. He's not the zeitgeist, he's just some guy. And does he drink beer? That also remains unanswered. Proving that Wurzelbacher's taxes would go up or down is a hollow victory. What's good for this one person doesn't necessarily help Mr. Sixpack. Instead of stalking Joe the Plumber's lawn, journalists should try to find street address of Joe National Income and Tax Rate Statistics and Policy Analysis. Doesn't roll off the tongue quite as nicely as Joe the Plumber now does it?

So, say it isn't Joe. Stop talking about him. Stop talking to him. Stop talking about not talking about him. Want an average person's opinion? Go out on the street and interview a few dozen people. How about we all mutually agree not to utter or write "Joe Wurzelbacher" or "Joe the Plumber" after tomorrow night? That'll give everybody a chance to publish a last Wurzelbacher article they've written, post that new graph of his taxes under both plans, release his medical records, elementary school report cards, baby photos, etc.

And if anyone needs a replacement Joe, don't worry, I hear the Mark 3 is on the way. This one is made out of liquid metal and can shapeshift into any demographic.

Confidential to J.W. in Holland, Ohio: Publish that book you're considering. With the proceeds you can stop plumbing for a living, and then you can ask the publisher for complimentary hardcover copies to throw at the journalists in front of your house.